Unworthiness

It would seem when I have talked to some of my clients lately this word, unworthiness, or a fact simile, come up.

This is so sad.

I know that horrible, all consuming, feeling of sadness.

It affects almost every decision you make in life.

You are not sure you ‘deserve’ those good things or, “Why should I get that? I’m not that good!”

I faced this all my life, and I get it.

I had a grade 3 teacher tell me I was stupid and couldn’t do things right.

I even recall being absent because I was sick and that was the time we learned multiplication tables.

I was lost and hadn’t a clue what or how the others were doing it.

He said he had no time to teach me and thus began my years of feeling ‘stupid’!

When I couldn’t ‘get’ it, he said I was stupid!

I even recall standing in line with the others to go out for ‘play period,’ and he asked if we were all ready.

I answered, “No” because I wasn’t!

Well, he told me then I would have to stay in during that time and for the rest of the year!

Yes, that’s right! I sat at my desk for weeks while the others were out on the playground.

Unfair? I guess, but it was during the time when if you got spanked or corrected during school, you would get it twice as hard home because the teacher was to be respected and must be right!

So you didn’t tell your parents what was going on since it must have been your fault!

Yes, it was another time and place, but that, “You’re stupid,” stayed with me forever!

I fought this ‘stupid’ thought all through school and failed a grade because I knew I wasn’t going to get the material because I was ‘stupid.’

That stuff stays with you for life.

I fought it for the rest of my elementary and high school years.

It stayed in my head in Bible College, and yes, I passed the grades or courses through the years, but I had to work hard at things where it seemed others just got ‘it’ so much easier, and I had to study my heart out for a passing grade.

Oh, I accomplished things, had friends, went on dates, loved my church and all its activities but that feeling was always there even in the back of my mind.

I covered it up and only a very few people knew that that’s how I felt.

Others were smarter, prettier, better, more fit and got picked for the teams or the leaders!

I put in my time, I succeeded in many areas and led my things like youth groups, women’s groups, choirs, dramas, fundraisers, and was a mom to my two children.

Yes, someone loved me enough to want to marry me, and I said yes after thinking about it for a month, but that’s another story.

This feeling of unworthiness stayed with me for years and years.

I felt unworthy as a mom since others seemed to have it all together and could still sew a dress in the midst of mothering!

It has taken years to fight that notion that I was still stupid.

No matter what I succeed at, it just didn’t seem to be enough because anyone could do what I did.

I wasn’t exceptional.

It took a crisis in my marriage at that time to straighten my shoulders and say, NO, I am not unworthy.

I worked hard at whatever I did, and still do, now that’s due in part to my Type A personality, but somehow one day it just ‘clicked.’

I always knew God thought I was worthy and I rested in that.

A book by Marie Chapian, His Thoughts Towards Me, was the start of my journey.

I was even going through depression at that time, but this book was written, using Scripture, like it was God Himself speaking.

Another whole way of thinking, but it awakened something in me to help me on this journey toward wellness and wholeness.

There were phrases like, “You are My treasure, My dear one, you are precious to Me….” and so much more.

I have lent out the book often, and it is one I treasure.

Yes, I made it through the dark times of depression by God’s grace.

I had a dear precious friend who held my hand when I was sinking lower and lower.

I made it through a divorce but knew, even amid the darkest deepest pain I ever felt, that I was not stupid, but strong and able to survive!

As I’m looking through that book, I see the date of May 22, 1991, by the words, “…if you feel abandoned, I am there.”

So you see, I know the struggles, the pain, and the angst.

But God knows even more.

You are valued.

You are precious.

I wish I had a Life Coach through these years, but I never knew where they were.

Just maybe I would have seen my value.

I shall leave you with a thought from Page 73 of this book:

“I stick to you, like your own skin. The mountains of the earth will shake and crumble, yet my tender love for you is never shaken – not a shiver, not a breath, not the barest vibration or change.  Because I am here with you.”

Always remember, you are a Treasure and never let anyone take your worth away.